please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Houston, we have a blender
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
