i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
nut hugger
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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