I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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