so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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