whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
