we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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