Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
