pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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