So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
