dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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