My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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