you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
