I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
