I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
