You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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