I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
