ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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