how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My bed smells like the plague
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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