I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
