Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How does one acquire holy water?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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