I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
