Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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