if i can run in heels then i can drive
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
