I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
