Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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