you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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