naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
