And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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