My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She said her name was "party"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
