Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
