if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
