just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
