Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
