TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
