someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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