Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
