you guys were way drunker than both of me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
