WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my being single is dangerous.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
