She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
