Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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