Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
