I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
the raccoons are back...
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