Your dad touched me again.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
