do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
