Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
