Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
