ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
