It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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