he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's blow job season.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
