can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
