We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
