i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
