If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
