My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
