I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
